Every April, I publish the NFL Mock Draft nobody else will.
Not the analytics. Not the tape breakdown.
The private conversation between the General Manager and the player he's about to overpay.
This year's first round mock draft is live.
"This is the inside scoop on the private conversations between General Managers and potential first-round draft picks."
1. Las Vegas Raiders: "Tom Brady is a minority owner now. Does that fix everything? No. Does it mean something? We believe it means something. But in Vegas? The pressure is off because nobody can see you through the neon."
2. New York Jets: "You're coming to Jersey. It's not New York, it's Jersey. Don't correct people, it's a 'social faux pas.' We're going to put you in a room with a veteran QB who's going to talk to you about 'vibrations.' Just nod. Don't engage. If you engage, you're in a four-hour seminar about the benefits of raw water. Just play ball and avoid the 'stop-and-chat' in the cafeteria."
3. Arizona Cardinals: "The desert is beautiful this time of year. It's a dry heat. You know what that means? No frizz. You'll look great on the jumbotron. Plus, our stadium has a retractable roof. It's the greatest invention in history. Too hot? Close it. Too cold? Close it. I wish I had a retractable roof for my life."
4. Tennessee Titans: "Nashville. It's all bachelorette parties and hot chicken. You like hot chicken? Of course you do. But listen, don't go to the tourist spots. I've got a guy in a strip mall. Best bird in the city. You play for me, and I'll give you the address. That's the signing bonus."
5. New York Giants: "We're building a culture here, a 'quiet' culture. No drama. I saw you wearing a loud hat on Instagram. Let's dial back the hat. It's a very 'look at me' hat. We're more of a 'don't look at me, I'm just doing my job' kind of team. You're the foundation. Foundations don't wear neon."
6. Cleveland Browns: "We have two first-round picks this year. Two. Not one. Two. We want you to understand that we are being aggressive. Historically, we have had many starting quarterbacks. But things are different now. They really are."
7. Washington Commanders: "You're in the nation's capital. It's a lot of 'power lunches.' Do you know how to eat a Cobb salad without looking like a maniac? It's a skill. We need winners, but we also need people who can handle a wine list. Plus, the gridlock is character-building."
8. New Orleans Saints: "I'll be honest — we lost some defensive pieces this offseason. But the food. Have you eaten here? The beignets alone are worth the contract. We are rebuilding the defense around you. The cuisine is already at a championship level."
9. Kansas City Chiefs: "You're joining a dynasty. It's like joining the Mob, but with more BBQ sauce. We win, we eat barbecue, we go home. Don't overthink it. And if the tight end asks you to be in a podcast, say your WiFi is down. Works every time."
10. New York Giants: "Me again. I forgot to mention—about the hat—I checked, and the owner actually liked it. So the hat is fine. But only on Tuesdays. We now have a 'Tuesday Hat Policy'. Welcome to the team. Again."
11. Miami Dolphins: "The weather. The beach. Can you run fast while wearing white pants? Awesome. We're basically a track team that occasionally hits people. Also, I'm trading away your favorite teammates for more picks. Don't take it personally; it's just the 'Dolphin Way.'"
12. Dallas Cowboys: "Son, you're a Star now. And I don't mean a star, I mean The Star. You're going to be on TV more than the news. I'm going to make you famous. Just don't ask for a raise until the very last second of your contract. Fans like the drama. It keeps the ratings up."
13. Los Angeles Rams: "We don't believe in 'first-round picks.' We usually trade them for guys who are already famous. But we kept this one just for you. Don't make me regret it. I could have had a veteran tackle and a mid-sized SUV for this pick."
14. Baltimore Ravens: "Lamar Jackson is your quarterback. The defense is built to compete. We are named after a poem about grief and despair, which is either very cool or mildly unsettling, depending on your disposition. Most of us think it's cool."
15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: "There's a pirate ship in the stadium. Does any other team have a ship? No. They have 'history' or 'tradition.' We have cannons. You like cannons? You're a Buc."
16. New York Jets: "Us again. Pick 16. We have two first-round picks this year and three first-round picks next year. The energy in this building is genuinely good right now. Is that coming through?"
17. Detroit Lions: "We have never been to the Super Bowl. Never. Not once. In the entire history of the franchise. Dan Campbell has publicly stated he bites kneecaps. That is not a metaphor. This is the most exciting football team in America, and we are absolutely going to the Super Bowl. Come be part of it."
18. Minnesota Vikings: "It's cold, but we have a giant horn. We blow it, people scream, it's a whole thing. Just don't ask about the trophy case. It's 'minimalist.' Very Scandinavian."
19. Carolina Panthers: "We're under new-ish management. Well, the same management, but we're 'pivoting.' It's a tech term. We're pivoting to 'winning.' It's a bold strategy. Be part of the pivot."
20. Dallas Cowboys: "Jerry may have already issued a press release. 'America's Team Doubles Down.' The draft is his favorite day of the year because it represents unlimited potential before anyone has actually played a game. Welcome to the family. You're a Cowboy."
21. Pittsburgh Steelers: "Steel. Yellow. Towels. That's the pitch. We haven't had a losing season since the invention of the wheel."
22. Los Angeles Chargers: "The weather is spectacular. Plus, the fan situation has some historical complexity related to a move from San Diego that we don't need to relitigate right now fully. Also, we have the best uniforms in the league. You're going to look like a superhero. The stadium is beautiful."
23. Philadelphia Eagles: "They're going to boo you. Even if you're good, especially if you're good, it's a sign of respect. Like a Philadelphia 'hello.' Also, stay away from the batteries. That's an inside joke. You'll find out."
24. Cleveland Browns: "Us again. Pick 24, two first-round picks, as we mentioned. We are committed. The building has been ongoing for a while. The commitment is real, and this is the year it shows. Two picks. That is us saying: we mean it."
25. Chicago Bears: "We have a quarterback now. A real one! We're very excited. We're so excited we might actually score a touchdown in the first quarter. Maybe. Let's not get ahead of ourselves."
26. Buffalo Bills: "You like tables? You like breaking tables? You're going to love it here. Also, learn to love the wind. The wind is your friend. The wind is your only friend."
27. San Francisco 49ers: "It's expensive to live here. I'm not going to lie. You're going to need four roommates and a side hustle. But the wine is excellent, and the tech schemes are 'revolutionary.'"
28. Houston Texans: "Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the expectations. We're the 'cool' Texas team now. No drama, just vibes and a lot of air conditioning. We are a legitimate contender. That is not spin."
29. Kansas City Chiefs: "Welcome back. We're still winning. The parade is already scheduled for next February. Just make sure you bring a jacket; it gets breezy on the bus."
30. Miami Dolphins: "Another pick, another track star. We're going to be so fast the cameras won't even be able to find us. It'll be like we're not even there. Which, defensively, is sometimes true."
31. New England Patriots: "We're doing things the 'Patriot Way.' What is that? Nobody knows anymore. We're just winging it, but we're doing it with a very serious facial expression."
32. Seattle Seahawks: "The 12th Man is here. The rain is here. The opportunity — for the right player — is significant. But hey, the coffee is great, and it rains just enough to give you an excuse to stay inside and watch a film. Welcome to the PNW."
Enjoy the ride + plan accordingly.
-Marc.
PS: Go Detroit Lions!
You can always reach me @ marc@caracal.global.
*****
Marc A. Ross is a geopolitical strategist and the founder of Caracal Global, a fractional Chief Geopolitical Officer service for Fortune 1,000 companies and private equity firms. He publishes the Caracal Global Daily — what a Chief Geopolitical Officer monitors every morning. Subscribe at caracal.global/contact.
